Sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of Hillary's Great Trip.

Every politician conducts focus groups. Hillary -- and Bill before her- were famous for them. Bill and Hill even asked a focus group where they should go on vacation.

Remember that pre-Monica video of the two love vultures dancing with the star fish on the beach? Yep, that faux romantic adventure, was the result of the survey from a focus group.

It's time you knew the real story.

Hillary and Bill were told to go see the Castaways: the Skipper, First Mate Gilligan, the Howles, Ginger and the rest --er, I mean -- the Professor and Maryanne.

A lot of people and animals had found their way to Gilligan's island, including the president of a revolution torn country, President Rodriguez, a Japanese sailor left over from World War II, a famous painter, Dubov, who renounced civilization, a ghost, a witch doctor, Lord Beasley, the famous butterfly collector and even an Ape man, Tongo. So why not Hillary and Bill?


They set out on Air Force One. Remember, THEY were president at the time.

It was MaryAnne who first spotted Hillary and Bill. Air Force One had been outfitted with pontoons and it glided up into the lagoon next to the SS Minnow, the castaway's boat with the couch sized hole in it.

The secret service guys in dark suits rowed a rubber dingy ashore. Bill could hardly restrain himself. In fact, he ended up leaping into the lagoon and free styling it to shore.

"Hey, little lady," he said, panting. "Want to kiss it? Do you know who I am?"

MaryAnne, cute as ever, put her finger on her chin. "Are you Jethro Bodine?"

"Why, hell no!" said Bill. "I done finished sixth grade. I'm a bona fide, honest to god, Rhodes Scholar, though there is the little matter of not finishing up at Oxford. But, hey, you got any nice little resort places here with hammocks swinging from the trees? Any cigar stores? Want to join me later for a little swinging?"

"Is that why you're panting, Jethro? You know, my name is not Paula."

"I am ---" Bill started to say, but was interrupted by a much deeper and authoritarian voice. MaryAnne thought it was the hunky secret service agent.

"I am the President of the United States!" It was Hillary. She had waddled ashore, petal pushers pulled up over the knees.

MaryAnne jumped back in fear. So many creatures had wandered ashore out of that lagoon, that she wasn't sure what she was seeing. And Hillary's mascara was running in the tropical heat, and there was not a thing you could do with the hair.

"Don't worry," Bill said. "She's human. Well, sort of."

When Maryanne recovered, she suggested that President Hillary meet the president of Gilligan's island, Gilligan. They had just had elections, and Gilligan had just barely won in a run off against another visitor to the island, a big man selling books and movies about saving the island from an ice age, Al Gore. He had recently left, on a Mega Yacht.

"Are you the Little Buddy?"

A skinny Gilligan took off his hat and shook hands with Hillary.

Bill was winking at MaryAnne.

"Tell you what Gilligan, as I am President of the United States, how about letting me run this place for awhile?"

To Gilligan it sounded like a good idea. He was not so good with schmoozing and the usual political lies, so he agreed. Besides, he had to cook up the meals for the official state dinners, and the clean up was a pain.

"It's all yours," said Gilligan.

"Good." She smiled at Bill, who had just met Ginger. He was all over her in her leopard dress. The big secret service agent dragged him back by the ear. "Okay, I have some changes to make here, starting now!"

Before Hillary could issue any proclamations and order the Castaways around, Ginger slinked up to her. "I'm from Hollywood, and I'm here to help you," she said. "Everybody here is so stupid. Especially MaryAnne in those daisy dukes."

Hillary was soon running the island. MaryAnne was ordered to stop wearing the short shorts and was fitted into a burqa. Next she met with the Howell's. Lovey had to dig into her jewelry box and distribute all the broaches, diamond necklaces and rings to each island inhabitant. The Professor looked at his new ruby lizard pin and wondered what he was going to do with it. He couldn't eat it, and there were no pawn shops on the island yet. Thurton Howell III had to take his suitcase of money and give it out equally to the rest (and I mean THE rest, not just the Professor and Maryanne, like in early version of the theme song). Gilligan used his Franklins for wallpaper in his hut; the Skipper for insole cushioning.

Next Hillary decided the island needed health care, and she was going to do it. She was going to call it Hillary Care, but Bill convinced her to call it Ginger Care, in appreciation of all the help from the actress. Bill grinned slyly and winked at Ginger. He was the Winker in Chief, and his little buddy was the Wanker in Chief. Eventually the coconuts that the Castaways brought in for payment weren't enough to keep the system afloat, so Hillary asked that each do a spin a the brand new tiki hut hospital. After a few botched operations performed by the Skipper, the Castaways found a way off the island for their serious medical care.

The Skipper, a former World War II veteran, suggested that the island better have a strong defense, and that the Minnow could be outfitted with 50 mm gun stock. Hillary said that there was no money for defense and a military, and that the Castaways could not win a war anyway.

The Professor was sent DVDs for Diversity Training. He had the problem of being the head of the island's univerity, Bill U. But he was a Euro Male. And considering he was the only faculty and only student, he didn't meet the new diversity goals set up by the Hillary administration. He got the DVDs, but it was well before the DVD player was invented, so he used them for coasters.

One night MaryAnne crept into Gilligan's hut. It's not what you think, though I am sure he got some as First Mate and then as President of Gilligan's Island.

"We've got to throw them off the island, Mr. President," said MaryAnne. "She is killing us. And this burqa itches."

Gilligan was stumped. This was way before Fox Television's "24", so he couldn't call Jack Bauer for help.

So began "Operation Cast Off".

You would think it was the Professor's idea, as he was the smartest on the island, but it was actually Maryanne's. She was the love interest of most young boys at the time, so she gets to be the heroine of this story.

She had the Professor build a cell phone out of a split coconut and bones from a grouper, and he contacted a friend at a University, who had sway at the Intern Office at the White House.

Mr. Howell and Lovey agreed to fund a scholarship for a girl named Monica, and set her up for life even, so anxious were they to get rid of Interim President Hillary.

"Done deal," MaryAnne announced.

"Yeah," but they're still here," the Skipper complained. "And she is in my hut and Bill took over Gilligan's." The Skipper's hut had been plastered over to resemble the White House, only a lot bigger than real life. Gilligan's hut now had a blinking sign saying that four hour naps were free for hotties.

"Wait," MaryAnne said.

In one of the Gilligan Island episodes Gilligan reels in a briefcase filled with government secrets. Inside that briefcase was the missing FBI files, and a perfumed letter from Monica.

MaryAnne took this to Fed-Ex and sent it to Republican National Committee.

Once Hillary got wind of this, and Bill sniffed the perfume, it was time to get back to the fort.

Before they left, a film crew was swept up on shore. They had been filming a remake of Moby Dick, this time with a Great Black Whale instead of a Great White one. Ginger hooked them into filming Hillary and Bill dancing.

Every time Bill swung his back to the camera he was panting for Maryanne, but she left him to Ginger. She was from Kansas, after all.

A week later the whole mess exploded in DC: Monica, cigars, you know.

But the real story is how Hillary tried out being the real president of someplace.

Later, in year 2009, when the Castaways found out that Hillary was really the President of the United States and not just telling lies as usual, they refused rescue.

Of all the islands in all the world Hillary had gone to theirs. Hell, it had been over forty years marooned there. It was home. They could do what they wanted. Less government the better.

One afternoon Gilligan and the Skipper mined the lagoon to prevent any other politicians from landing.